Why more games need to have playable goblins in them

There is a massive spectrum of video game types out there, in the figurative expanse of genres. What's more just about any of them can be complimentary together, merged with one another, or give rise to an entire new genre. What FPS doesn't have some kind of puzzling element these days? What adventure doesn't contain a bit of stat-crunching or ability trees? Why is there a dating simulation in Grand Theft Auto? (Answer to the last one is 'because Rockstar Games forgot what grand theft auto means, presumable')

Seriously, this is a shooter game!

So, what does this have to do with goblins? Well the fact is that, what ties almost all games together is the need for character. Even disembodied games, ones that don't have a perceivable protagonist to identify with, will strive to have a certain look and feel to better engage the player. After all games are basically graphic interfaces on top of not very interesting coding, and even computer hacking games tend to have some minimal graphic design! You need the player to give a damn, and that requires design.

I propose that goblins are a grossly under utilised 'player-identifier'.

Based on my favourite representations of them across different media, goblins are small, mischievous, ever-so-slightly magical idiots who break rules but have entirely emotionally-driven motives. Goblin wants something? They take it. Goblin doesn't like something? They smash it! Goblin is curious but a bit unsure about something? They get all their mates to pile in and see what happens! A goblin is the morally-unbound inner-child of an adult given just enough power and sparkle to achieve things but flawed by not being very big.

This childish characteristic, combined with a pro-active disregard to restraint, is pretty much what gaming is about. We don't play games because they're things we do in our usual lives! We play them because they let us engage with things we are otherwise unable to do, much like the imaginary play almost all kids engage in! Even simulations put you in a seat of control you might not always have, and less likely to have at your beck and call. Goblins are the perfect compliment to this, as they could be a vehicle for all those desires, with all that added charm of being a recognisable figure (every culture seems to have some form of goblin in their folklore) and they can engage with the other side of games: the challenge of playing and winning, exemplified by the fact that goblins are not meant to be the most powerful creatures in the world!

That's right little fella! Be my vehicle of destructive impulses!
(picture from Nolan's Sketches)

Just for example here are some games which I think would be vastly improved if you played as a goblin instead of the original character:

• Grand Theft Auto (Want to go bowling? How about I just kick you in the bum and run away?)
• Mass Effect (Save the universe? Let me call up my 500 pointy-eared mates first!)
• Call of Duty/any pseudo-realistic shooter game (Never stop running, never let go of the trigger, and never stop cackling as you mow down anyone and everyone!)
• Batman Arkham City (Nothing would be better than sneaking up behind some goons, tying the shoelaces together of all of them, then announcing your presence by swinging a bag of rocks! Also, leaping from buildings whilst screaming.)
• Left 4 Dead (Pretty sure I could get to Mercy Hospital if I hide in bins, never stop balling along whilst yelping, and knife the back of the legs of every zombie I see.)
• Mario (Not much would actually change, except when you finally get to the princess you nick her crown and carry on running whilst laughing.)

Convinced? Not convinced? Have any semblance of an opinion? Comment below!

Things I never learn in Left 4 Dead 2

• Running ahead is funny BUT I should not expect my team mates to give a damn when I get taken out by a single special infected miles from safety.
• Shouting "HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER" when it has already pinned me is not worthwhile use of the headset.

Nonononononononono!

• Pistol whipping a Tank never works.
• Grenade launchers are not corridor-friendly.
• Using a grenade launcher from the back of a group in a corridor, is definitely not friendly.
• The hilarity of sniping a single zombie with a grenade launcher isn't funny enough to outweigh how much of a complete waste of ammo it is.
• Although this is debatable.
• People don't like it when you shoot a boomer that's within Eskimo-kissing range of them.
• Don't Eskimo kiss a boomer.
• AI team mates WILL try to heal you regardless of you shouting at them.

I've had this game a good two years and I still do this stupid kind of stuff. On the plus side, I did leap across a stairwell in Dead Centre, across fire and spitter goo, kill a hunter, rescue someone who was incapacitated, and all without taking damage.

Didn't make up for all the other stuff but still...

I say! Dredging through the Americas shooting people? It just isn't cricket is it?!

Quick update

Hello there!

This is just a quick update about stuff that I'm playing and stuff that's grabbed my attention as of late. Will be posting another chunky article in the near future but until then:

• Have decided I won't be buying any new games until I complete a game I already own. By complete I only mean the main plot (or equivalent experience) but I am infamously slow!
• Playing the 'Nuzlocke challenge' on Pokemon Yellow. Just defeated Brock (Butterfree with Confusion FTW) but now finding it quite hard getting through all the trainers to Mt. Moon
• Recently downloaded the demo for The Walking Dead episode 1. Never read the comics, but the gameplay is a real treat! A fusion of point-and-click adventures (which the studio Tell Tale Games are famous for) and something more akin to a light-gun game. More info can be found on the website.
• The last game I bought, Kingdoms of Amalur Reckoning, is taking up most of the rest of my gaming time. Really getting into it (even if I had something to say about some of it's weapon designs). Just reached the rather Tolkien-feeling Webwood: where my goblinesque character 'Nod' is carving a name for herself in circles both virtuous and otherwise. More importantly, assassinating is really really fun!
• My Gamecube is also seeing more light of day (figuratively) with Timesplitters Future Perfect and Gotcha Force. Both great, if entirely different, games from yesteryear.

If you like where this blog is going, be sure to subscribe and more stuff will be posted soon!