Why I love and hate horror games

I hate being scared. I don't think that's unreasonable, and for me the idea that people would want to be scared is as nonsensical as wanting to take a nail gun to your hands (something that gets a heck of a lot harder once the first hand is done.)

Horror games however, do have a certain state of affairs that gives them a little golden podium in my heart. You see, in order to scare someone, you have to threaten their feeling of safety, and in a video game you can only do it by outsmarting them.

Only smart people can make a decent horror game.

Take 'Slender' for example: a little indie game based off a forum discussion about 'The Slender Man'. These are pretty basic beginnings. There was no talk of gaming, just folks discussing a modern internet-fuelled myth. Then this guy, a Mr. Mark J. Hadley, started writing a game.

The game has you, walking in a forest, with a torch and the ability to jog a bit. Those are your only forms of input. Your aim is to find 8 pages of a book about the Slender Man, which are pinned up all over the place. If the Slender Man sees you, you start to go mad and television static starts to fuzz up your screen. If he catches you, you loose. It's immensely simple and that's exactly why it's good. It's very hard to analyse a game with so very little 'gaming' going on. It's an experience and within the long gaps of you stumbling about your imagination, the horror-mind's best friend, starts to fill in the gaps. "Where am I?", "Is the next page far?" and "What the hell was that in the grass?!" were all things I started uttering to myself whilst playing. Of course, if you're not willing to get involved, you won't enjoy this game. Switch the lights off and turn the volume up though, and you're in for an amazing/nerve shattering journey!


I don't like horror games, but this is a job well done!

I must add however, that I would have not known about this game if it wasn't for a Youtube friend of mine: JPachoD. There's something evil but enjoyable about watching someone get scared at a video game, and it does the game a real justice to see what effect it can have on the willing mind. Click here to see him freak out! I will also add that his other videos are also greatly enjoyable, so check out his channel! (The review of Hambo comes highly recommended!)

Poor scared Irish boy!

Fantastic game things I have experienced as of late

This post is, admittedly, an amalgamation of many posts I haven't got round to doing. Fact of the matter is though, I've been having a lot of fun. Lets gets right into it (and in no particular order)

Minecraft 1.3.1 update
The latest version of Minecraft is delicious! If you don't know what Minecraft is, as unlikely as that scenario is considering it's forever-growing popularity; it's a game by independent developer Mojang where you mine, craft, explore and survive in a world made entirely of of cubic structures. It looks dated, perplexes many, but ultimately rewards players who stick with it and make the most of a world where you can more or less make anything.

Sometimes I like to go sailing. With a sword. Other times I play the game like a normal person.

Back to the point though, even before Minecraft was completed people who bought the game have been given every update for free. New content, bug fixes and massive increases in possibilities downloaded automatically to your gaming computer sometimes months after your initial purchase. That's great in itself. Some super games on the market remain glitchy and stale for very long periods of time and few ever get decent new content if at all, whilst this unassuming game is throwing new shapes at players consistently.

So, here's what's new that's got me excited"

• Integrated multiplayer access to games over LAN
• The ability to trade emeralds for rare gear from NPC villagers
• 'Ender chests', allowing a pool of items to be retrieved from multiple points wherever such chests are placed
• Books you can write in (a lot) and then share with other players
• Tripwires, so you can also be really horrible to other players
• The ability to generate 'large biome' maps with massive expanses of terrain. Effectively turning your world into huge frontiers.

It's really cool stuff, and before I even get into the new multiplayer possibilities I'm enjoying a solo adventure into a massive desert: working on writing books on my survival trials as I explore and look for other civilizations.

Nuzlocke Challenge on Pokemon Yellow

Graphical representation of my team. The Pidgey is grey while they sit in my PC. I'd write something funny but I'm terrified I will blubber like a small child if one of my team dies!

As I've written before, the Nuzlocke challenge where Pokemon die when they faint and only the first monster from each area can be caught, is an emotional rollercoaster in the most unflattering way. Attempting it on Silver did not go well, so with a friend we both started the challenge on 1st generation games: Yellow for me and Red for her. Asides from the fun of revisiting the games that started it all, there's a certain wonderment in being forced to play with Pokemon I may not have bothered with before. In effect, it's a fresh experience, and as I start my grueling trek through Mt. Moon my inner child feebly questions which of my precious few am I going to loose just to make it to the next town? Gripping stuff!

'ZerothGhost' Youtube channel

This is Zeroth Ghost. He's a lot more chromatic in real life.

Ok so clearly, this isn't a game. What it is however is a very entertaining youtube channel by a Mister Cameron Rose, largely focusing on gameplay with commentary and wit. At turns he is both informative about the features you want to know about, and thoroughly entertaining. He does not aim to promote himself as a guru or expert gamer, but simply an equal-level funster and charmer, who's simultaneous insight and flaws endear him to the side of gamers oft reserved to solo gaming: the character who expresses bewildering emotional highs and lows tempered by an unrestrained sense of personal enjoyment. Hard to really put across the joy of his videos in words alone, so check it out for yourself here.

Team Fortress 2 finally working on my Mac

Fear the bright colours!

For months it refused to play, and now it does. This isn't really a review or anything, TF2 has always been good, but with new gameplay modes and a constant onslaught of new items it's forever worth a play if first person shooters are your street. On an interesting side note though, I've recently learned that I am actually better playing with a touch pad than with a mouse. No idea why.


Left 4 Dead 2's Cold Stream DLC and update

Remember that feeling when you first saw these guys? Now you get to watch them die in new locales! :P

Yes more Valve-goodness! Hot off the presses, news flitted across blogs and social networking sights that the slightly delayed Xbox360 release of this zombie-blasting joy-slice had finally arrived just a few hours ago. At 560 Microsoft Points (£4.80, ignoring the cost of purchasing points in set block multiples of 500 points) it's pretty reasonable for what you get. Stings a little that PC/Mac gamers get it for free, but considering the start up costs of personal computer gaming it doesn't seem so bad. Importantly the content is joyous for everyone:

• All mutation game modes now available from the menu screen.
• A brand new campaign, Cold Stream, originally made by fans of the game but now integrated into the main game completely spare canonically-speaking.
• All the campaigns from the first Left 4 Dead that had not been added to L4D2 are now fully playable and include minor tweaks to bring them up to modern standards. That means Crash Course, Death Toll, Dead Air and Blood Harvest; all with added crowbars, jockey-humpings and grenade launchers!

So far I've played through a bit of Lone Gunman and Last Man on Earth mutations (great solo challenges, if a bit on the difficult side) and finished the Cold Stream campaign on Normal difficulty. The new campaign is, without a doubt, brilliant. It's what Crash Course was to L4D1, and even that's on L4D2 now! The potential for amazing Versus games is hugely apparent here, with close attention to choke points and player distractions feeding into a thoroughly exciting experience. There's a lot of fun to be had here, and no noticeable problems since some initial download glitches were ironed out earlier to report. Highly recommended!

The strange emotions caused by Minecraft multiplayer

Last night got very weird.

After experiencing some problems getting along with fellow gamers on a Minecraft server, me and my house mate (the same man from the Mass Effect 3 Multiplayer post) decided to find a quiet area away from everyone else to start a project.

'Waterfall Farm'

The little waterfall in question. Apart from the crafting table, this was entirely map-generated. (Bonus points for spotting the Creeper who wants to spoil the fun)

With some grass facing this little lagoon, we started building up a little farmstead. The plan was simple: small house, few animals and some crops so that we could have something to do and a steady production of food and crafting materials.

The strange thing was that it didn't take much for this incredibly simple project to become something altogether more personal. Being survival mode, construction was plagued by creepers and other mobs. Gathering animals for stock became not only a vital part of the project but personal tales of over-coming adversity as evil beset us. It was all starting to get a bit biblical.

Look at them, milling around. I don't think they even realise how many times they were nearly blown up!

Then there was the farm house. It started off small, no need for a mansion, and it only ever needed to be practical. However it didn't take long for a few personal touches to creep in and turn it into something a bit odd.

Admittedly, it looks more like a strange prison but...

...it's very nice inside!

Very quickly, this was the place where two farmers were to hold out against the odds. We'd take a floor each as we built it up: sharing design ideas and keeping watch for each other and the creatures of the night. There was one time I watched from the just-installed bedroom window as my partner brought home a cow, only for a creeper to assail them. I nearly smashed the glass with my bow and arrow, but felt a real sense of relief as I saw the creeper outwitted and the cow unharmed. That doesn't happen in real life. It was like being in the old American frontier. We needed the cow, we had to survive. The thought that we might not be able to make a cake was truly worrying, much like the growing recognition of how stupefyingly involved I was becoming.

Pushing the beds together would have probably crossed a line that even the Zelda-themed texture pack would not protect against.

As night finally settled, once the cow had been put in the paddock, we instinctively hurried up the stairs to the bedroom. We laughed at the fact we were so giddy and pleased about having somewhere to 'rest'. Even through we had full knowledge of the absolute ridiculous levels of faux-immersion we were subjecting ourselves to, as we went to our beds and the screen dimmed I couldn't help but look across to the other bed and be glad that my co-worker was ok: that he hadn't respawned back in his original home and lost the livestock.

This had got very silly.

Eventually, after realising that Minecraft-sleep was not the same as real sleep, we called an end to our gaming session. The farm still stands, a testimony to our trials and achievements, and sure enough we will be back to create efficient wheat farms and orchards and pathways to lead us back to civilisation for trade.

Even though this is undoubtedly a foolish waste of time, the beauty of Minecraft is that you can make your own genuine experiences within it. Though it makes me sound like I am being employed by Mojang to say it, you do indeed craft your own entertainment by creating your own little world.

On the downside, I don't see me getting a girlfriend any time soon :/

Can't be put better than that really.

Additional: If you were wondering about the texture pack, it's called 'Xaiwalker' and can be found for download here.

Things I've heard my housemate shout whilst playing Mass Effect 3 multiplayer

• Do I want to watch an Asari orgasm?
• Sorry! Didn't mean to shoot you! You all look alike!
• Geth priiiiime! Geth priiiiiime! Geth priiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!
• SPACE MAGIC!
• He's got whips. I don't like that. Whips aren't my thing.
• I just saw your alien backside. Looking goooood.
• Man we should've kept this game private. Now there are people getting kills that aren't me.
• I'm using a sniper rifle like a shotgun. Sniper rifles aren't meant to be used like this. It's blowing holes into people!
• He's lost his head! I shot his head and now where he had a head he has-a-not-a-head!
• SPACE LESBIANS!

Like funnies? Check out TOAST

Why petitioning for a game to be made is important

Timesplitters. I freaking love it. Then one day I found out that Free Radical Design (the creators of the series) had gone bankrupt and then been bought out by Crytek. That was 3 years ago, and any news of 'Crytek UK' making Timesplitters 4 has died out.

And then I found a Facebook group trying to petition for it's release. At the time of writing, 1,324 people support the page which has a target of 100,000. In many respects it seems silly. Facebook fans does not translate into financial backing or any of the hard work required to make the game.

But there is no other clearer way of telling a game company what you want to buy!

Petitioning is a direct representation of what people want. It's the mob-turned-statistics that get the proverbial ball rolling. It's market research that doesn't guess trends but actually tells the game makers out there what they should do!

1,324 is not a lot, but it is 1,324 clear votes of confidence for a game that doesn't even exist yet. That's got to be compelling!

The petition can be found here

Why more games need to have playable goblins in them

There is a massive spectrum of video game types out there, in the figurative expanse of genres. What's more just about any of them can be complimentary together, merged with one another, or give rise to an entire new genre. What FPS doesn't have some kind of puzzling element these days? What adventure doesn't contain a bit of stat-crunching or ability trees? Why is there a dating simulation in Grand Theft Auto? (Answer to the last one is 'because Rockstar Games forgot what grand theft auto means, presumable')

Seriously, this is a shooter game!

So, what does this have to do with goblins? Well the fact is that, what ties almost all games together is the need for character. Even disembodied games, ones that don't have a perceivable protagonist to identify with, will strive to have a certain look and feel to better engage the player. After all games are basically graphic interfaces on top of not very interesting coding, and even computer hacking games tend to have some minimal graphic design! You need the player to give a damn, and that requires design.

I propose that goblins are a grossly under utilised 'player-identifier'.

Based on my favourite representations of them across different media, goblins are small, mischievous, ever-so-slightly magical idiots who break rules but have entirely emotionally-driven motives. Goblin wants something? They take it. Goblin doesn't like something? They smash it! Goblin is curious but a bit unsure about something? They get all their mates to pile in and see what happens! A goblin is the morally-unbound inner-child of an adult given just enough power and sparkle to achieve things but flawed by not being very big.

This childish characteristic, combined with a pro-active disregard to restraint, is pretty much what gaming is about. We don't play games because they're things we do in our usual lives! We play them because they let us engage with things we are otherwise unable to do, much like the imaginary play almost all kids engage in! Even simulations put you in a seat of control you might not always have, and less likely to have at your beck and call. Goblins are the perfect compliment to this, as they could be a vehicle for all those desires, with all that added charm of being a recognisable figure (every culture seems to have some form of goblin in their folklore) and they can engage with the other side of games: the challenge of playing and winning, exemplified by the fact that goblins are not meant to be the most powerful creatures in the world!

That's right little fella! Be my vehicle of destructive impulses!
(picture from Nolan's Sketches)

Just for example here are some games which I think would be vastly improved if you played as a goblin instead of the original character:

• Grand Theft Auto (Want to go bowling? How about I just kick you in the bum and run away?)
• Mass Effect (Save the universe? Let me call up my 500 pointy-eared mates first!)
• Call of Duty/any pseudo-realistic shooter game (Never stop running, never let go of the trigger, and never stop cackling as you mow down anyone and everyone!)
• Batman Arkham City (Nothing would be better than sneaking up behind some goons, tying the shoelaces together of all of them, then announcing your presence by swinging a bag of rocks! Also, leaping from buildings whilst screaming.)
• Left 4 Dead (Pretty sure I could get to Mercy Hospital if I hide in bins, never stop balling along whilst yelping, and knife the back of the legs of every zombie I see.)
• Mario (Not much would actually change, except when you finally get to the princess you nick her crown and carry on running whilst laughing.)

Convinced? Not convinced? Have any semblance of an opinion? Comment below!

Things I never learn in Left 4 Dead 2

• Running ahead is funny BUT I should not expect my team mates to give a damn when I get taken out by a single special infected miles from safety.
• Shouting "HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER" when it has already pinned me is not worthwhile use of the headset.

Nonononononononono!

• Pistol whipping a Tank never works.
• Grenade launchers are not corridor-friendly.
• Using a grenade launcher from the back of a group in a corridor, is definitely not friendly.
• The hilarity of sniping a single zombie with a grenade launcher isn't funny enough to outweigh how much of a complete waste of ammo it is.
• Although this is debatable.
• People don't like it when you shoot a boomer that's within Eskimo-kissing range of them.
• Don't Eskimo kiss a boomer.
• AI team mates WILL try to heal you regardless of you shouting at them.

I've had this game a good two years and I still do this stupid kind of stuff. On the plus side, I did leap across a stairwell in Dead Centre, across fire and spitter goo, kill a hunter, rescue someone who was incapacitated, and all without taking damage.

Didn't make up for all the other stuff but still...

I say! Dredging through the Americas shooting people? It just isn't cricket is it?!

Quick update

Hello there!

This is just a quick update about stuff that I'm playing and stuff that's grabbed my attention as of late. Will be posting another chunky article in the near future but until then:

• Have decided I won't be buying any new games until I complete a game I already own. By complete I only mean the main plot (or equivalent experience) but I am infamously slow!
• Playing the 'Nuzlocke challenge' on Pokemon Yellow. Just defeated Brock (Butterfree with Confusion FTW) but now finding it quite hard getting through all the trainers to Mt. Moon
• Recently downloaded the demo for The Walking Dead episode 1. Never read the comics, but the gameplay is a real treat! A fusion of point-and-click adventures (which the studio Tell Tale Games are famous for) and something more akin to a light-gun game. More info can be found on the website.
• The last game I bought, Kingdoms of Amalur Reckoning, is taking up most of the rest of my gaming time. Really getting into it (even if I had something to say about some of it's weapon designs). Just reached the rather Tolkien-feeling Webwood: where my goblinesque character 'Nod' is carving a name for herself in circles both virtuous and otherwise. More importantly, assassinating is really really fun!
• My Gamecube is also seeing more light of day (figuratively) with Timesplitters Future Perfect and Gotcha Force. Both great, if entirely different, games from yesteryear.

If you like where this blog is going, be sure to subscribe and more stuff will be posted soon!

The worst five fantasy weapons in video games (without swearing)

Now I'm sure this is not a comprehensive list, nor am I forgetting the simple joy of doing the ridiculous in video games. After all, why play through a recreation of something I could just as easily do in real life?

Sometimes however I just sit back from a game and proclaim POPPYCOCK!

There is often a reason why fantasy weapons only exist in fantasies, and I'm going to share my five favourite examples to bite my thumb at.

(Before I go on though, allow me to express my disdain for real life violence. I do not condone it, merely think about it as we all do from time to time in a perfectly harmless manner. My apologies if this article in anyway seems to be in bad taste. Don't go hurting people, and if you must do don't do it with one of these items!)

1. The Keyblade
The Kingdom Hearts series

At least it's a pretty funky looking key!

It's a massive key. There really isn't much else too it. It seems the designer was looking for something original, and just picked the nearest object to hand. It could of just as easily have been a massive pen or a mobile phone. At least with the latter idea there could of been flip-phone-fu!

Usability: 4/5
I've done some research, and it would appear you smack people over the head with it. Seems reasonable. The only baffling thing is why there is a hand in the middle of that lobed bit? Surely it'd make sense to either have it ninety degrees on, or to just hold it along the main haft? What TWADDLE!

Lethality: 3/5
Take your house key, and hit yourself over the knuckles. Hurts right? (Pro-tip, if you actually just did that then you're a DOLT!) Imagine what a key much much larger would do? Yeah, it'd hurt. It just doesn't seem like the weapon of kings does it?

Defence: 2/5
How do you defend yourself with a key? Again those lobe things only really get in the way, rather than protect your hands. Then the rest of it as only useful for parrying something in the same way not using a bare hand is. I just don't see key-fencing hitting the Olympics any time soon.


2. The Buster Sword (Second entry from Square Enix)
The Final Fantasy series

Back in the days when gelled hair and a boiler suit were cool.

The guy over there is Cloud. He has some SERIOUS issues and difficulty playing with others. Therefor, he feels the need to overcompensate for his social inadequacies with the biggest weapon he could find. He's like those kids with that automatic need to stand on ledges and pick up sticks when they find them. Suffice to say I think his choice of weapon is VERY SILLY! Simply because it's so very very big, and that isn't always better, despite what the other kids might say.

Usability: 1/5
To suggest anyone could actually use this sword is hilarity in itself. I'm not saying you couldn't lift it, as I have seen many DIY geeks give it a good shot themselves, but to actually use this as anything more than a club is the foolish part. If you swing it, you either have to move with it or let it fall to the ground. There's no form, no grace, no sword part to it! You could stick a sharp edge to a dead person and use it just as well!

Lethality: 4/5
Fair enough, if somebody hit me with a shard of metal this big I would be PERTURBED! It only looses out top marks because firstly, I'm pretty sure there is no feasible level of subtlety which could disguise a foretelling of the mother of all home-run swings. Secondly, I'm pretty sure that if the first swing didn't kill me it would be such hard work to pull it of me that we'd both just stand there gory and unhappy. That is, until I used a superior weapon to jab him with... probably a normal sized sword in this instance.

Defence: 3/5
In favour of this sword, is that it is both pretty scary to look at and nearly the size of a wall anyway. On the downside, it would probably work better as a wall than a weapon at all! Speedy, this thing won't be. Not unless you drop it out of a plane. Furthermore, Cloud's main rival is a man called Sephiroth who uses a reeeaaally long katana-style sword... It's longer and lighter than the Buster Sword, but still apparently as strong and sharp. I know what I would rather be using!


3. Faeblades
Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning

Neeeeeoooooow it's a plaaaaane!

A very young entrant into this hall of shame, the Faeblades were added to the virtual world this year in Kingdoms of Amalur. Used in pairs, the combatant spins in completely impossible ways as monsters die all around you. It's fun, definitely! I feel like a DASTARDLY PICAROON when I play with them, but I have to forget how stupid they would be in real life.

Usability: 2/5
If you were to swing one of these, you'd forever be swiping at thing slightly behind you. Your fist, gripping the handle inside the blade, is pointing one way whilst the weapon bits are pointing elsewhere. You might notice that if you took off one of the blades it'd look like a curved sword. However there's a reason swords don't have blades on the top and the bottom! It's an accident waiting to happen! That's before you even consider that in-game you usually use these in pairs; meaning the chance of accidently stabbing yourself, catching a limb, or just bumping into yourself in the most un-cool of ways is bordering on a outright certainty!

Lethality: 3/5
I can almost see how these could be dangerous, asides from being dangerous to the user. However there are two real-life analogues that outline why this design just ins't right. There's the pick, and the punch dagger. Picks are usually tools but they bury into skulls just as easily as rock or ice. That's because you swing them from the handle for added momentum. Faeblades are only as long as the arm swinging them. Punch daggers have horizontal grips like the faeblades so you can punch with a fist-forward dagger. However faeblades don't have anything as useful as a forward facing blade so that simplest and most effective of attacks is nigh-on-void. The end result is that these could be the finest crafted blades in the world, but unless you mount them on the side of a bicycle you're not going to get any force out of them. Someone will definitely bleed, but it's a 50/50 gamble on who that'll be.


Defence: 1/5
Well at least your hands will remain unscathed, if unattached.




2. Ring Blade
The Soul Calibur series

What a pretty lass. Now tell me how that's supposed to be a weapon?

In Soul Calibur 3, we were introduced to Tira: the parent-less murderous wanderer who kills people with a massive bladed hula-hoop. Presumably, the lack of a stable domestic life is why she doesn't know what 'suitable attire' is, let alone what constitutes as a weapon. Not surprisingly, no one complained. Let alone myself I might add, as back in the day she was my favourite character: all perky and exciting in her... personality and what not... WHAT A ROUSING FILLY!

Still a ridiculous weapon though.

Usability 1/5
I know how she uses it in the game. She spins it about and pulls poses. Fair enough, you could do this with a hula-hoop. Put massive steel blades on it and you could do this PERADVENTURE!  What doesn't make sense is the idea that you could put any kind of force behind it. If it hit anything whilst spinning, it's not going to keep spinning like a medieval buzz-saw, it's going to stop spinning and probably hit young Tira over the head and make her eyes water. Since it also has no proper handles, if you tried to smack someone with it whilst holding onto the blunted side it'll bounce off them because it's round and you're basically pinching it between your fingers and your palm. Imagine what would happen if you grabbed it incorrectly for that matter! Frankly only a LUMMOX would forget to make a weapon with a handle!

Lethality: 2/5
Well, you could wear some heavy-duty clothes and just try to clobber someone to death with it...

Defence 2/5
This really bugs me, when considering this weapon in a real life (and probably horrifying) situation: how would you use this to help stop someone from killing you? Considering what Tira has to do to fill up an entire move-list in game, in the grim real world you'd have to be a never-stopping gymnast to keep up at least the pretence that approaching you would be dangerous. That's before you consider what might happen if someone out-foxed you with a long stick or they decided not to grit their hands with a lubricating oil. At best your opponent could presume that with such an odd weapon, you are some incomprehensible master of martial arts who will use the hoop to staggering effect. Good luck with that.


1. Hidden Wrist Blade
The Assassin's Creed series

The greatest union of blades and wrists since kids started getting 'emotional'

This is probably a bit controversial. As in, everyone I know who has ever played an Assassin's Creed game has wanted to at some point use a wrist blade. They're flashy, sleek, clever and above all suggest that it's possible to kill any military professional with little to no repercussion. A quick look on that crazy FANDANGLED internet suggests that every geek with questionable motives has attempted to make their own hidden wrist blades with a certain level of success. However I simply do not buy it as a viable weapon.

Usability 2/5
Sadly, and I do mean that honestly, it is incredibly easy to pick up a knife and kill someone. They represent one of the earliest tools used by man, and have been the preferred tool of murderers throughout history. A knife is silent, reliable and intuitive. Their utilisation can turn almost anyone into a killer of human beings.

So Ubisoft decided to give their assassins something a lot more complex.

It's a BABOONISH experiment, but if you try taping a ruler or something similar to your wrist you can work out why a wrist blade isn't as good as Ol' Reliable. There is nothing to brace the weapon against when it's slung on the underside of your forearm. In your hand though, your palm and fingers can all get a purchase on the handle to maximise grip and help drive the point into the target. Even with a lavish amount of leather lashings (oo-er) there is no way that a wrist blade is going to stay put, certainly not after a long day of genocide. Then consider that this contraption also requires you to activate it, making the blade spring forth with that satisfying air of discrete menace. In the first game, is involved loosing a finger! Even in later games though, it's based on finger manipulation. Can anyone else see the problem in having a spring-loaded hair-trigger stabber that's connected to the most dextrous part of your entire body? One false move and that itch you had is going to get relieved in the most awful of ways!

Lethality 3/5
Again I feel I must stress that the knife is the tried and tested way to kill just about any human being. In principle then, a hidden blade that is ready to hurt someone at the very last second is just an efficient evolution of that principle. However we're also talking about a contraption located in a PREPOSTEROUS location and connected to a GORDIAN trigger system. It actually makes killing people harder! Consider just how many people in the world have died from knife wounds. It's an obscene amount. It can't really be considered a tactic that needs evolving.

Consider this. As gun technology improved, people saw the opportunity to replace personal knives as the number one self-defence/offensive weapon of the day. The idea was to use gunpowder contraptions to make a weapon small, discrete, easy to use and reliable. The result? Well for a very long time it was LAMENTABLE devices with an effective range of just a few inches. It took many many years to come up with anything compact enough to be hidden well, and even longer to just make it quieter than Zeus's flatulence. All the while knives and daggers kept on doing what they do best, and do so to this day. It makes you wonder then why a more complicated version of a knife would be better than... a knife?

Defence 0/5
Here's the final gripe about this weapon. It's a stealth weapon that makes stabbing someone harder, but worse still is that it's only use is to stab people who are unaware. Even in the fantastical realm of the games, anyone who  already knows you're going to use the wrist blade generally has the upper hand on you. It is a wholly offensive weapon, that's not as good as the one it's based on.

Not bad enough? Still think it can be redeemed? Scroll up the page and swallow your pride as you realise that any of the above weapons could hold an advantage over the wrist blade in a straight fight. No really, it's daft but it's true. At least a normal knife can be thrown, swapped hands and used with force: all things which might give an attacker a fair chance against any of the antagonists listed above. Wrist blade though? Only helpful if you think they might be distracted by gadgetry.


Agree? Disagree? Got any suggestions for even worse fantasy weapons? Comment below and I will happily jump into the NIMPERDOODLE debate! (Fair cop, the last not-swearing word was completely made up)

The joys of Timesplitters Future Perfect

For those of you who don't know, Timesplitters was a video game first started in 2000 with a cult hit PS2 simply called 'Timesplitters' and went on to spawn two sequels for the three major consoles of the time. The final game, 'Timesplitters Future Perfect' was released in 2005 and whilst it lacked a certain rough-hewn charm of the games before it (mostly thanks to EA's tight control) it is a supremely joyous experience.

And thanks to a good friend of mine (who's amazingly insightful blog can be found here) I have now got my Gamecube up and running!

Just to give you a flavour of what is so great about this quirky first-person shooter, here are some of my favourite elements:

• Flare guns
• Duel-wielding flare guns
• Monkeys
• Zombies
• Zombie monkeys
• The underground world of professional cat racing
• Brick fights
• A very silly, childish and British sense of humour
• Harry Tipper
• A surprisingly flexible mapmaker
• A development team made up of past Rare employees who worked on Goldeneye
• Gingerbread men

If you get the chance to play this game, do so! It was released for the PS2, Gamecube and original Xbox, and copies will also work on Wiis and some older PS3 models. As one friend put it to me, after killing a ninja monkey with a flamethrower: They just don't make games like this anymore!

Things learnt on a Minecraft server

• Minecraft + Skype = Black box recordings of the worst tragedies.
• Wolves will cross entire oceans for people who feed them bones, and not hold it against them that their new master only had room for one in their boat.
• Spiders are never in short supply. Neither are spider-related reasons for swearing.
• Creepers may very well hate you, but the entirety of the Nether hates you even more.
• If someone's bartering demands seem steep, it's because "you weren't there man!"
• Coal always appears when you don't need it.
• If you're going to play with exploding bottles of poison, expect to get poisoned.
• Further more, if you're going to invest a lot of time and effort into exploding bottles of poison, expect to muck up regardless!
• Remember to eat... both in-game and out.
• The End is always very very very far away!

Check out the rest of this blog for more game-related foolery, or if you thought this post was funny, check out my other blog: 'TOAST'

A quandary

Which should I buy?

Please post which you think is better, and why!

'Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning' Demo

For a good few many years, I've had a concept of what my best game would be.

It would be a combat-orientated (read: hack & slash) role-play game, with lots and lots of customisation. The end result that you could pour your attention into your own character, rather than the game maker's world, and then enjoy tearing your way through in satisfying and epic battles.

Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning might just be along those lines, and with more besides. The presentation is glossy, with something sparkling or glowing or exploding every couple of minutes. The combat, a player-pandering array of flashy moves and screen-filling spectacle, also has just what you need for challenging game play. Blocking, dodging, combination moves and weakness exploits are all in there to task the player with utilising them to their benefit. There's a reasonable amount of customisation when you first make your character, but a truly expansive potential when you start making choices over equipment and skills.

Some dog trainers are harsher than others. Lovely day for it though?

For your weapons you have a primary and secondary weapon slot. However the only real difference between the two slots is which button they use (X and Y on the Xbox360, respectively) as you inevitable use them together in combat to create combos. A simple example being, you knock an opponent backwards or skywards with a sword and then plug them with arrows from your bow. The types of weapons available are massive hammers, swords both one and two handed, pairs of daggers, pairs of 'faeblades' (think double bladed curved swords), bows, spell casting sceptres and staves, chakrams (bladed rings that are thrown like boomerangs) and finally shields both physical and sorcerous . It's a healthy list, and importantly each weapon is used differently. That means individual animations, move lists, and tactics.

Yes, even this concussive-force artiste has his place in the world of tactics.

Further more there is a massive selection of unlockable abilities, based on three classes of might, finesse and sorcery, which asides from new spells and combos include other weapons like harpoons and magic-based landmines. The end result is that by perusing a play style you like, you further unlock more ways to experiment with it. There's only so far you can get in the demo but one imagines it allows for new elements to enter gameplay throughout.

The demo itself is very pleasing, with an introductory level giving back-story and basics of game play, then 45 minutes of game time in a very large slice of the game map.  It's well worth a look, and will probably be sat on my Xbox 360's hard drive for a long time to come! More information can be found on the game's very informative website.

A little more on Mari0

For those of you who read my last post (if not you can catch up here) I was not all that complimentary towards the indie fan game 'Mari0'.

I may have spoken too soon.

What I did not realise is that there is much more than just the Super Mario Bros levels on offer. There is actually a whole bunch of Portal-styled levels AND a level editor! Further inspection shows that both of these utilise both Mario and Portal mechanics to great effect and are actually a lot of fun. I now have more reason to encourage you to check it out for yourselves, and hope you enjoy it too!

As for myself, Mari0 will get a bit more playtime in between Minecraft and Skyrim sessions which have taken up most of my gaming time. Those who actually read this blog will remember I said I was planning a big writing piece for this blog: it's still in the works and it will be about either Minecraft or Skyrim.

Or both.

Or something else.

Tatty-bye for now!

What 'The Expendables' and 'Mari0' have in common.

I had two options: either watch 'The Expendables' or play 'Mari0': a free-to-play game combining the wonder of Super Mario Bros. and Portal.

I won't lie, my attention was split. The Expendables is by far one of the most gratuitous alpha-male-pleasing pugilism-porn films I have ever seen. Watching Stallone chop off someone's hand with a bowie knife is just something you can't ignore. However Mari0 was just too intriguing for me not to give my full attention, so I waited for a gap in the wafer-thin plot to give it a go.

Manly men, ready to do manly things, like killing and dealing with emotions poorly.

For those who don't know, Mari0 is a creation from Stabyourself.net: a two man independent games company. Had it not been for a chance find, I wouldn't know about them at all. This game though instantly grabbed my attention. Mario with a portal gun? It is just one of those geeky concepts that was designed to excite the fandom masses, very much like The Expendables for that matter.

I think we can all appreciate why this will be funny.

The controls are a comfortable WASD affair, but with the addition of the mouse for the portal gun. There isn't really any other way it could of been done. However as soon as I started playing I started to wonder IF it should have been done. There's a sprint button, like in the original Super Mario Bros, but you never seem to use it because you have the means to teleport. Considering that Mario is pretty much the great great grandfather of platforming games, the portal gun does some what take away from his fame with it's shiny new generation thinking.

Exhibit A. Notice how this situation does not require portals.

Naturally I felt allegiance to both of these elements, and wanted to see them used in unison. The problem is that for every problem that can be solved with portals, a brand new problem can also be made with them! Goombas flying through the air, koopa shells appearing right where you don't want them, and simple jumps made infinitely harder because you decided to line up a tour-de-force of geometry and physics. Mario never needed portals to get the job done, and it was one of the greatest selling games of all time when Mario's only special kit was a trusty pair of brown shoes and a resourceful utilisation of mycology.


So, what does this game have in common with Stallone's kill-fest? Both of them are too much of good things. I love action films, but watching The Expendables felt like watching little boys incessantly shoot each other with sticks with the added horror of them then blowing up. It doesn't matter who's the goodies or the baddies, and violence is entirely mitigated by how determined that kid is to keep on inflicting it. As for video games I adore platformers, but Mari0 does seem to encourage you to just dick about rather than really enjoy the finesse of either games that it's based on. It's too much of what you want and not enough reason to question it.

I can't really say whether it's good or not yet, as I have faith that the more I play it,the more I'll get into it. It can be downloaded for free here. For the mean time though I'm very tempted to just play Super Mario or Portal, rather than both. Or maybe I'll just watch Rocky.

Small update

Just for the few people who actually read this blog: big post coming up soon, which might actually be interesting! Working on it in chunks, and may split it up into smaller blog posts depending on how big it ends up becoming.

My last magic gaming moment

Video games are not known for creating magic moments. Maybe nostalgia is inherently technology-phobic, or just that they are not designed for great moments of significance. Then again, as games become more complex they draw in huge teams of creative and artistic types into the development process: ‘Scripting’ no longer means just lines of code when it comes to making a game, Depth used to be about ‘parallel scrolling’, not character development and etc.

Picture unrelated, although somewhat magical

However as games development goes forward, and the end products become more complex, an extra layer of enjoyment can be attained for the simplest of core principles: the executing of a good idea.  When Mario makes a jump, you feel good. When Pac-Man outsmarts Blinky, Pinky Inky and Clyde, you feel smart.

And when Bomberman traps his opponent before blowing them up, you feel like the devil himself.

So when it comes to magic moments, I am proud to say that the last time this happened to me wasn’t from viewing the majesty of Skyrim or musing over moral obstacles in the world of Mass Effect. It came from playing multiplayer on Bomberman Generation (it’s Gamecube outing).

Pretty much sums it up

Three human players and an AI nicknamed Victor took to the arena, and no amount of Hudson-Japanese-cuteness could dilute the evil and anarchy of playing with explosives. When you get caught in a Bomberman explosion, you don't get hurt: you die. No ifs, no buts, no mercy. Every bomb dropped, be it by the enemy or yourself, can spell the end of you. That's pretty alarming stuff! It's this very risk factor that makes Bomberman a hugely thrilling game series, and there's little else it needs apart from that!

Quite possibly the only time it's acceptable to scream at a grid

That same evening we played other games, more modern and complex, but it really was Bomberman who held centre stage. Shocked as I was, not even Left 4 Dead 2 could hold up to cross-shaped explosions and chirpy little Japanese robo-men. If you haven't already played a Bomberman game yet: FIX IT!

MELONS OF VICTORY!

Broken dragons: the proof

He's lookin at you kid 

Note the sneaking. Yes he can see me, but apparently burninating the countryside is not on the agenda today.

Boy or girl? You decide!

Here's the house you're supposed to jump into. Once you do (leaping past the dragon's  moronic looking face) it flies off again.

How to break a dragon

News just in, the dragons of Skyrim can be outsmarted by crouching!

Photos will be put up soon, but basically if you sneak up the tower in the introductory scene the dragon will bash a hole in the wall but then stare at you. It's quite odd just staring at a dragon, whilst everyone else is cowering in fear. You can even go back outside and look at the local guards standing confused, or try and locate the dragons genitalia if you so wish.

Next post will include pictures of this phenomena, but if you play Skyrim then try it for yourself!

A cruel way to play Pokémon

It was a slow day at work where I once again found myself trapped in conversation with a customer. Sometimes they are fascinating but mostly they are mind-numbingly boring. I feared the worst and expected the usual but some how the conversation turned to Pokémon.

I am, and always have been, a Pokémon fan. My parents’ house is still littered with paraphernalia I collected over the years and to this day I stand by my belief that Pokémon in real life would make the world a better place. (A morally ambiguous and shockingly violent place, but better none the less.)

Back to the shop, and this customer starts telling me about a challenge one could undertake on the Pokémon games. The title of which was stupid and forgotten straight away but the concept was intriguing. So, dusting off my copy of Pokémon Crystal, I started a new game with the following self-imposed rules:

1.     The first kind of Pokémon encountered in an area is the only kind of Pokémon you are allowed to catch in that area.

2.     Once said Pokémon is caught, you can no longer catch Pokémon in that area.

3.     All caught Pokémon must be given nicknames.

4.     If a Pokémon faints, it must be set free at a PC and the game must be saved. It is dead and you must accept it.

The ingenious thing about this set-up is what it does to game play. For one thing, you are no longer seeking to create an ultimate fighting team. Now you’re forever trying to make do with what you can get. Creatures you might have scoffed at before become valuable assets in your limited and truly mortal ensemble.

At the start I found myself with a team consisting of my starter (Totodo the Totodile), two Pidgeys (Popo and Podge) and an Unown with a fire-based hidden power (named Jay after his shape). By all accounts this is not a good team, but my god did I cherish them! Unown especially, who is usually considered a novelty, was integral in adding early firepower and a potent special attack to my force at this early stage. Using him to catch a Gastly at Sprout Tower (when no other Pokémon could touch them) and also to defeat the monks inside felt awesome!

Of course though it is that last rule of the challenge that has the most impact, and for a while it had almost slipped my mind. Then it happened. A leveled up female Bellsprout called Ladysprout died at the hands of Fisherman Ralph’s Goldeen. My jaw dropped, my heart sank, and a mixture of rage and utter devastation swept over me. The real kicker was when Ralph offered to give me his phone number in case he spotted rare Pokémon round here, not realizing that because of the rules laid upon me the only Pokémon I could catch, and already done so, had just died at his hands.

I have no shame in admitting that I shouted at his fat stupid pixilated face before texting my girlfriend for moral support.

However I carried on with grim determination, nearly loosing more monsters in Union Cave with the absence of a decent grass-type, and relishing the chance to fill the void left by the death of a promising youngster.

I’m at Goldenrod City now, and will no doubt post more about how it goes. I thoroughly encourage any other Pokémon players to try this out! Failing that, comment below any challenges you have attempted in your video games!

Till next time!