Things I've heard my housemate shout whilst playing Mass Effect 3 multiplayer

• Do I want to watch an Asari orgasm?
• Sorry! Didn't mean to shoot you! You all look alike!
• Geth priiiiime! Geth priiiiiime! Geth priiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!
• SPACE MAGIC!
• He's got whips. I don't like that. Whips aren't my thing.
• I just saw your alien backside. Looking goooood.
• Man we should've kept this game private. Now there are people getting kills that aren't me.
• I'm using a sniper rifle like a shotgun. Sniper rifles aren't meant to be used like this. It's blowing holes into people!
• He's lost his head! I shot his head and now where he had a head he has-a-not-a-head!
• SPACE LESBIANS!

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Why more games need to have playable goblins in them

There is a massive spectrum of video game types out there, in the figurative expanse of genres. What's more just about any of them can be complimentary together, merged with one another, or give rise to an entire new genre. What FPS doesn't have some kind of puzzling element these days? What adventure doesn't contain a bit of stat-crunching or ability trees? Why is there a dating simulation in Grand Theft Auto? (Answer to the last one is 'because Rockstar Games forgot what grand theft auto means, presumable')

Seriously, this is a shooter game!

So, what does this have to do with goblins? Well the fact is that, what ties almost all games together is the need for character. Even disembodied games, ones that don't have a perceivable protagonist to identify with, will strive to have a certain look and feel to better engage the player. After all games are basically graphic interfaces on top of not very interesting coding, and even computer hacking games tend to have some minimal graphic design! You need the player to give a damn, and that requires design.

I propose that goblins are a grossly under utilised 'player-identifier'.

Based on my favourite representations of them across different media, goblins are small, mischievous, ever-so-slightly magical idiots who break rules but have entirely emotionally-driven motives. Goblin wants something? They take it. Goblin doesn't like something? They smash it! Goblin is curious but a bit unsure about something? They get all their mates to pile in and see what happens! A goblin is the morally-unbound inner-child of an adult given just enough power and sparkle to achieve things but flawed by not being very big.

This childish characteristic, combined with a pro-active disregard to restraint, is pretty much what gaming is about. We don't play games because they're things we do in our usual lives! We play them because they let us engage with things we are otherwise unable to do, much like the imaginary play almost all kids engage in! Even simulations put you in a seat of control you might not always have, and less likely to have at your beck and call. Goblins are the perfect compliment to this, as they could be a vehicle for all those desires, with all that added charm of being a recognisable figure (every culture seems to have some form of goblin in their folklore) and they can engage with the other side of games: the challenge of playing and winning, exemplified by the fact that goblins are not meant to be the most powerful creatures in the world!

That's right little fella! Be my vehicle of destructive impulses!
(picture from Nolan's Sketches)

Just for example here are some games which I think would be vastly improved if you played as a goblin instead of the original character:

• Grand Theft Auto (Want to go bowling? How about I just kick you in the bum and run away?)
• Mass Effect (Save the universe? Let me call up my 500 pointy-eared mates first!)
• Call of Duty/any pseudo-realistic shooter game (Never stop running, never let go of the trigger, and never stop cackling as you mow down anyone and everyone!)
• Batman Arkham City (Nothing would be better than sneaking up behind some goons, tying the shoelaces together of all of them, then announcing your presence by swinging a bag of rocks! Also, leaping from buildings whilst screaming.)
• Left 4 Dead (Pretty sure I could get to Mercy Hospital if I hide in bins, never stop balling along whilst yelping, and knife the back of the legs of every zombie I see.)
• Mario (Not much would actually change, except when you finally get to the princess you nick her crown and carry on running whilst laughing.)

Convinced? Not convinced? Have any semblance of an opinion? Comment below!

Things learnt on a Minecraft server

• Minecraft + Skype = Black box recordings of the worst tragedies.
• Wolves will cross entire oceans for people who feed them bones, and not hold it against them that their new master only had room for one in their boat.
• Spiders are never in short supply. Neither are spider-related reasons for swearing.
• Creepers may very well hate you, but the entirety of the Nether hates you even more.
• If someone's bartering demands seem steep, it's because "you weren't there man!"
• Coal always appears when you don't need it.
• If you're going to play with exploding bottles of poison, expect to get poisoned.
• Further more, if you're going to invest a lot of time and effort into exploding bottles of poison, expect to muck up regardless!
• Remember to eat... both in-game and out.
• The End is always very very very far away!

Check out the rest of this blog for more game-related foolery, or if you thought this post was funny, check out my other blog: 'TOAST'

The problem with Skyrim

The Elder Scrolls V Skyrim is potentially the worst game ever. (Please note the use of the word 'potentially')

Skyrim is a massive game. A real achievement in the world of interactive art. I often stop mid-game to just try and take in how amazing it is, and that is exactly the problem: It's too much. When there are enemies to slay, plots to solve and a whole wealth of experiences to be had, it can be really hard to get on with them when you're being distracted by other great stuff that ISN'T game play!

Take the butterflies for example.

It doesn't matter if I'm sneaking up on giants, running from the flames of a dragon or even just trying to get home: I go from Skull-Biter the Barbarian to Giddy McSkipperty the second a butterfly flutters by. In real life, I might take notice of a butterfly when I see one or even take a closer look if it lands, but I hope to high heavens that in a life or death situation I wouldn't take up lepidopterology mid-escape.

It's these breaks in character that unravel the whole role-playing facade. I am, sadly, not an all-powerful warrior hell-bent on saving the world. I do not know the angst of watching monsters tear apart my family, and rightly I shouldn't want to know, but I do want to pretend that's the case and get a cathartic release from braining a troll whilst shouting "I WILL NEVER FORGET!" The problem is though that my core interest, the slightly worrying need to zealously bury hatchets in skulls, does not have a window in it's philosophy for reacting to a scared rabbit diving into a waterfall: which did happen to my avatar.

I'm pretty sure the real life reaction is to yelp, laugh and 'aww' in quick succession. (Sadly I'd probably make it my internet status of the day too). However Skull-Biter would probably shrug off the foolishness of lesser beings, or conversely have a flashback to his dead child diving off a cliff to escape the monsters that now haunt his nightmares: neither of which I could role-play him doing because I was too busy walking round the house giggling.

There are so many things that can distract you; domestic-level interaction, the need for money, physical obstacles between you and what you want, the conflict between desire and obligation and etc. It's nigh-on impossible to maintain a simple character's drive because the world they live in is that much more complicated.

"I just wanted to open a bakery in a quiet provincial town, and provide for my children, but needs-must"
- Spider

Determinism is pretty much part-and-parcel of gaming, in that you are presented an experience to enjoy. The more choice you give the player though, the harder it is to structure their experiences: something important when trying to emulate a persona. Sometimes these experiences tick the right boxes with incredibly satisfaction, but other times this elaborate pseudo-reality of a high fantasy world is just that little too close to the bewildering truth of reality that your own high fantasy gets confused.

Not to make a direct comparison between two very different games, but Crash Bandicoot never had to deal with this shit. He smashed crates and ran down the road to victory. Sadly he won't see the light of day for months now because Skull-Biter is too busy juggling guilt, revenge and vegetarianism, and that's not easy to do with just an axe.