Things I've heard my housemate shout whilst playing Mass Effect 3 multiplayer

• Do I want to watch an Asari orgasm?
• Sorry! Didn't mean to shoot you! You all look alike!
• Geth priiiiime! Geth priiiiiime! Geth priiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!
• SPACE MAGIC!
• He's got whips. I don't like that. Whips aren't my thing.
• I just saw your alien backside. Looking goooood.
• Man we should've kept this game private. Now there are people getting kills that aren't me.
• I'm using a sniper rifle like a shotgun. Sniper rifles aren't meant to be used like this. It's blowing holes into people!
• He's lost his head! I shot his head and now where he had a head he has-a-not-a-head!
• SPACE LESBIANS!

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Things I never learn in Left 4 Dead 2

• Running ahead is funny BUT I should not expect my team mates to give a damn when I get taken out by a single special infected miles from safety.
• Shouting "HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER HUNTER" when it has already pinned me is not worthwhile use of the headset.

Nonononononononono!

• Pistol whipping a Tank never works.
• Grenade launchers are not corridor-friendly.
• Using a grenade launcher from the back of a group in a corridor, is definitely not friendly.
• The hilarity of sniping a single zombie with a grenade launcher isn't funny enough to outweigh how much of a complete waste of ammo it is.
• Although this is debatable.
• People don't like it when you shoot a boomer that's within Eskimo-kissing range of them.
• Don't Eskimo kiss a boomer.
• AI team mates WILL try to heal you regardless of you shouting at them.

I've had this game a good two years and I still do this stupid kind of stuff. On the plus side, I did leap across a stairwell in Dead Centre, across fire and spitter goo, kill a hunter, rescue someone who was incapacitated, and all without taking damage.

Didn't make up for all the other stuff but still...

I say! Dredging through the Americas shooting people? It just isn't cricket is it?!

A quandary

Which should I buy?

Please post which you think is better, and why!

'Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning' Demo

For a good few many years, I've had a concept of what my best game would be.

It would be a combat-orientated (read: hack & slash) role-play game, with lots and lots of customisation. The end result that you could pour your attention into your own character, rather than the game maker's world, and then enjoy tearing your way through in satisfying and epic battles.

Kingdom of Amalur: Reckoning might just be along those lines, and with more besides. The presentation is glossy, with something sparkling or glowing or exploding every couple of minutes. The combat, a player-pandering array of flashy moves and screen-filling spectacle, also has just what you need for challenging game play. Blocking, dodging, combination moves and weakness exploits are all in there to task the player with utilising them to their benefit. There's a reasonable amount of customisation when you first make your character, but a truly expansive potential when you start making choices over equipment and skills.

Some dog trainers are harsher than others. Lovely day for it though?

For your weapons you have a primary and secondary weapon slot. However the only real difference between the two slots is which button they use (X and Y on the Xbox360, respectively) as you inevitable use them together in combat to create combos. A simple example being, you knock an opponent backwards or skywards with a sword and then plug them with arrows from your bow. The types of weapons available are massive hammers, swords both one and two handed, pairs of daggers, pairs of 'faeblades' (think double bladed curved swords), bows, spell casting sceptres and staves, chakrams (bladed rings that are thrown like boomerangs) and finally shields both physical and sorcerous . It's a healthy list, and importantly each weapon is used differently. That means individual animations, move lists, and tactics.

Yes, even this concussive-force artiste has his place in the world of tactics.

Further more there is a massive selection of unlockable abilities, based on three classes of might, finesse and sorcery, which asides from new spells and combos include other weapons like harpoons and magic-based landmines. The end result is that by perusing a play style you like, you further unlock more ways to experiment with it. There's only so far you can get in the demo but one imagines it allows for new elements to enter gameplay throughout.

The demo itself is very pleasing, with an introductory level giving back-story and basics of game play, then 45 minutes of game time in a very large slice of the game map.  It's well worth a look, and will probably be sat on my Xbox 360's hard drive for a long time to come! More information can be found on the game's very informative website.

The problem with Skyrim

The Elder Scrolls V Skyrim is potentially the worst game ever. (Please note the use of the word 'potentially')

Skyrim is a massive game. A real achievement in the world of interactive art. I often stop mid-game to just try and take in how amazing it is, and that is exactly the problem: It's too much. When there are enemies to slay, plots to solve and a whole wealth of experiences to be had, it can be really hard to get on with them when you're being distracted by other great stuff that ISN'T game play!

Take the butterflies for example.

It doesn't matter if I'm sneaking up on giants, running from the flames of a dragon or even just trying to get home: I go from Skull-Biter the Barbarian to Giddy McSkipperty the second a butterfly flutters by. In real life, I might take notice of a butterfly when I see one or even take a closer look if it lands, but I hope to high heavens that in a life or death situation I wouldn't take up lepidopterology mid-escape.

It's these breaks in character that unravel the whole role-playing facade. I am, sadly, not an all-powerful warrior hell-bent on saving the world. I do not know the angst of watching monsters tear apart my family, and rightly I shouldn't want to know, but I do want to pretend that's the case and get a cathartic release from braining a troll whilst shouting "I WILL NEVER FORGET!" The problem is though that my core interest, the slightly worrying need to zealously bury hatchets in skulls, does not have a window in it's philosophy for reacting to a scared rabbit diving into a waterfall: which did happen to my avatar.

I'm pretty sure the real life reaction is to yelp, laugh and 'aww' in quick succession. (Sadly I'd probably make it my internet status of the day too). However Skull-Biter would probably shrug off the foolishness of lesser beings, or conversely have a flashback to his dead child diving off a cliff to escape the monsters that now haunt his nightmares: neither of which I could role-play him doing because I was too busy walking round the house giggling.

There are so many things that can distract you; domestic-level interaction, the need for money, physical obstacles between you and what you want, the conflict between desire and obligation and etc. It's nigh-on impossible to maintain a simple character's drive because the world they live in is that much more complicated.

"I just wanted to open a bakery in a quiet provincial town, and provide for my children, but needs-must"
- Spider

Determinism is pretty much part-and-parcel of gaming, in that you are presented an experience to enjoy. The more choice you give the player though, the harder it is to structure their experiences: something important when trying to emulate a persona. Sometimes these experiences tick the right boxes with incredibly satisfaction, but other times this elaborate pseudo-reality of a high fantasy world is just that little too close to the bewildering truth of reality that your own high fantasy gets confused.

Not to make a direct comparison between two very different games, but Crash Bandicoot never had to deal with this shit. He smashed crates and ran down the road to victory. Sadly he won't see the light of day for months now because Skull-Biter is too busy juggling guilt, revenge and vegetarianism, and that's not easy to do with just an axe.